Grief & Loss: Why is it so difficult to talk about?

Grief. A word that elicits pain and sorrow just by the mere mention of it. Maybe you recall a specific instance or experience, or a whole host of them. We all get touched by grief in some form. So why is this a topic to write about? I say because of these very reasons. We all have our own coping skills, healthy or unhealthy; our own ways of talking about it; our own ways of trying to be there for others; and our own ways our bodies react to it. But what is common among all of us, is that when we hear of someone else grieving, we feel those responses inside and know the pain they are feeling to some degree.

“Grief and loss happen to everyone. We’ve all felt misunderstood during times of great pain. We’ve also stood by, helpless, in the face of other people’s pain. We’ve all fumbled for words, knowing no words can ever make it right.” Megan Devine, It’s Ok that you’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

Grief isn’t just about death and dying. Grief is about loss. The loss of a person is one form of grief, but what about our relationships, our livelihood, our health? These all take a toll on us as well. They all represent a form of grief and loss. Relationships are often at the core of someone’s life. Family/friends/significant other – they all bring something into our lives, and the lack of those things can be very overwhelming when they are gone. Our livelihood impacts us in different ways as well. The loss of a job, for example, causes a person to have to change their everyday lives. Patterns, ways of caring for ourselves, or our family causes significant stressors and can significantly impact our mental health. Which brings me to our health. Sickness, in all its forms, makes it hard to do the things we used to. Whether it is our own sickness or that of a loved one – it impacts the way we see the world, how we relate to it, and what we feel is important in the world. Being at the hospital, or at hospice with your loved one can feel more important than work, other people, and ourselves. We cherish the moments we have instead of trying to run to the next thing we have planned for the day. Time both speeds up and slows down. Grief and loss affect us all.

As a Veteran, and working with Veterans, I come across grief and loss in its many forms every day. On top of everything I have mentioned above, there are specific experiences that come with being a Veteran that adds to the struggles we all face day-to-day, and I want to discuss and bring to light what some of these struggles are: traumatic loss and, eventually when discharged, the loss of a community. We build connections throughout our time in the service, we move around and build up these networks of people that become part of a huge and diverse community. When we discharge from the military it takes us out of this community and puts us right back into a lifestyle that doesn’t quite fit anymore. The people back home expect a version of us that has been shaped and changed over our time in service. Regardless of whether a service member has deployed, they have gone through boot camp, their technical school, and lived on their own – often for the first time in their lives. They have learned about people from all over the country and the different lifestyles they come from. You are forced into this diversity that makes you question everything you know. It is hard to jump back into a community that you grew apart from. New people back home you meet have preconceived notions about who you are because you are a Veteran. School is hard because everyone seems so young. It’s hard to fit in and for people to understand why your viewpoints are so different. During all of this, your military friends are spread out all over the country. It can be hard to admit to others that you’re struggling. This leads a lot of Veterans to struggle with different mental health issues. The very thing in the military that was looked at as weak. Stigma in the military is still present. Even though it has been trying to get better there is a long way to go, and I hope I live to see a day where stigma isn’t present around the idea of getting help. Why have the idea of a battle buddy if not to show that sometimes we need to lean on each other and get help?

Traumatic loss. A topic that never gets easier to talk about. The military is confronted with it more often due to the nature of the job. If a service member didn’t deploy – they know someone who has. People who deployed may not have witnessed combat – but they know someone who has. We are all connected to traumatic loss. High combat exposure, which is just about any Veteran who was in a combat zone across all eras of Veterans, affects us medically and mentally. The atrocities of war are not something everyone has to witness. And it never truly gets easier. What does happen, is Veterans become numb to cope better. You cannot watch someone go down and grieve in that moment – it puts others and yourself at risk. One of two things happen – you become angry or numb. Neither one of these is truly good for a person. We need to allow ourselves to feel, because if we become numb the positive emotions become harder to feel and it spirals down. Anger isn’t healthy long term because it affects our brain chemistry and our bodies. Stress from our experiences, our losses, and from the very nature of the jobs we do in the military have a huge impact on our physical health. Chronic pain and orthopedic problems are some of the largest struggles Veterans report. All of these changes in our bodies, without proper support and help, can potentially lead to another form of traumatic loss – suicide. Suicidal thoughts are, unfortunately, a huge deal in the active military and veteran communities. Everything I have already discussed plays a part in how someone can get to this point.

Suicidal struggles don’t happen overnight. They are built up over time through different experiences that have caused a significant amount of physical and/or psychological pain. It is built up through things a person has, or hasn’t, done; losses they have experienced; stigma; and lack of perceived support. This idea of being a burden on those around us. Pain associated with talking about everything and worrying that person will then judge them or walk away. A completion of suicide causes another form of traumatic loss for those who are left behind. The thoughts of “what did I miss,” “what could I have done differently,” and so on bombard the mind constantly. This form of tragic loss affects us differently than other kinds of loss because we cannot understand it in the same way. Other losses – sickness, war, accidents all have someone else to blame. Someone, or something else, to point the finger at. This kind of loss forces a person to point the finger at the person who is gone, the people in their lives, and the systems that prevented a person from getting the help they needed. They are fights no one can “win,” or seek some form of justice for.

How does one cope with these sorts of grief and loss? There is no perfect, easy answer; and it may take time to find something that truly seems to work. Counseling is a good place to start. It’s a safe, judgment-free place to talk about the way these losses have affected our overall well-being and start the process of untangling the pain from every aspect of our lives. Support groups are also something to consider. They can bring people together to talk about the pain in a way another person understands on a deeper level. Other coping skills that some find to be helpful: doing something, a physical act, in honor and memory of the person who is gone; journaling about the person and the pain felt by their loss; talking to others who knew the person; finding time to take care of ourselves; walking/hiking/biking; and things that out of this context would be enjoyable. Also remembering that it is okay to be angry, upset, and in pain. They may not feel good, but your emotions are valid and should be allowed to be expressed – as long as you are not harming yourself and others it is healthy to let out these emotions. If you are doing these things or thinking about it, it is a good idea to talk to a mental health professional.

“Acknowledgement is one of the few things that actually helps. What you’re living can’t be fixed. It can’t be made better. There are no solutions. That means that our course of action inside grief is simple: helping you gauge what’s ‘normal’ and finding ways to support your devastated heart.” Megan Devine, It’s Ok that you’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

To be there for the people in your life who are in the grips of grief: it’s okay to just sit and be there with someone. You don’t need to have all the answers, you don’t need to be perfect in your comfort, and you don’t need to understand what they are going through to have empathy. Ask if they know what they need – and if it’s taking time to be alone, try to remember it isn’t about you in that moment. Sometimes people don’t know what they need. In these cases, if you are close with them, the everyday things can be hard to handle. Cooking dinner is hard, cleaning is hard, taking care of others is hard. If you have the ability to help in these areas, and they allow you in (if they do not, remember it is not about you) – these are the things you can do for them.

Grief and loss affect us all in different, but similar, ways. Remembering what you needed in those times will help you be there for others in a more effective way. Be patient with yourself and with others in your life. Understanding that grief is not a competition or a “who has it worse” situation. We do not know what another person is going through to the full extent – there is no way you can truly know that another person hasn’t felt similarly to you. We need to remember needing someone else is not a weakness. Needing to have comfort in difficult times is not a weakness. It can be one of the most difficult things to reach out to someone. That takes strength and courage. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to one another.